I had some heart-breaking news the other day. A dear friend, whose children were friends with mine, suffered the most devastating loss imaginable—the death of her son, aged only 20, and not from a long-standing illness. He was murdered. My heart felt shattered for her; I just cannot fathom how anyone can recover from such visceral cruelty. Words of support and solace seem only inadequate and trite.
There is no doubt if it had been six and a half years ago, I’d have reached for the alcohol to numb the shock, discomfort and sense of helplessness, knowing there was nothing I could do to help, nothing that could bring him back.
I used to seek solace in the deceptive embrace of alcohol, chasing the fleeting dopamine highs that promised, but never delivered, peace and stability. My life was a chaotic whirlwind, a constant struggle to keep up with the demands of daily life while feeling perpetually behind. I was definitely a ‘Dopamine Seeker’ My mantra was: ‘Bigger Better Faster more…Please’
I would panic at the slightest inconvenience, feeling as if the world was always about to crash down on me. But, as many of us discover, the escape that alcohol offers is nothing more than a mirage. It wasn’t until I quit drinking that I found a path to true balance and resilience—a path worth exploring, especially if you are sober curious or aiming to improve your mental health.
"Resilience is more available to people curious about their own line of thinking and behaving’ Brene Brown
The decision to quit drinking was not an easy one. It felt like stepping into the unknown, leaving behind a crutch that, despite its many drawbacks, was familiar. But in that brave step into sobriety, I found clarity and strength I didn’t know I had. My journey wasn’t just about quitting alcohol (I never use the phrase ‘giving up’, we’re only gaining); it was about reclaiming my life, my mental health, and my sense of self.
When I work with clients one-on-one, we often discuss how they can cultivate resilience. Here are some thoughts:
1. Embrace the Present Moment
One of the first things I noticed after quitting alcohol was how much more present I became. Without the haze of intoxication, I was able to fully engage with the world around me. This presence allowed me to confront my problems head-on rather than running from them. Mindfulness practices, like meditation and deep breathing exercises, were instrumental. They taught me to stay grounded, even when life felt overwhelming. When I think back, I spent an inordinate amount of time planning my next drink, drinking, or recovering from the aftereffects of drinking. I rarely paused to be in the moment. It’s my biggest regret, especially as I recall rushing a bedtime story to get to the Sauvignon.
2. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms
In the past, I turned to alcohol to cope with stress, anxiety, and sadness. But sobriety forced me to find healthier ways to manage these emotions. Often, when nothing seems to work, we need to bring it back to the somatic. I’ve never been much good at exercise, but I can manage a brisk walk in the park, a yoga session, or just a few moments of shaking it out.
In our Sober Club member portal, we have a fantastic session on ‘Movement Medicine’ with Shaman Ya’Acov Darling Kahn. He described how, after hearing of a close friend’s death during lockdown, (Don’t get me started), he was beside himself with grief. No amount of talking, praying, or meditation helped, so he simply started moving - He let his body take it. Check out the phenomenon of TRE (Trauma Release Exercise); it’s very powerful for releasing tension. A simple version is just to put a track on (maybe something you rocked out to as a teenager) and shake it out.
Physical activity can sometimes help to process feelings and release tension. Journaling was another powerful tool. By writing down my thoughts and feelings, without the need to judge, edit, or even reread, I gained insight into my inner world and developed a sense of control over my emotions.
3. Build a Support Network
Resilience is not built in isolation. As humans, we are meant to be connected. My friend had close family and friends to support her, and that’s a huge blessing. If you’re focusing on behavior change or a specific issue, seek communities of people who are on similar journeys. Sharing your experiences and hearing others' stories creates a sense of solidarity and provides practical advice and encouragement. I created The Sober Club almost five years ago to be a non-judgmental community where people could feel supported. We focus on well-being and spirituality—it’s always about so much more than drinking, and in truth, we’ve become cheerleaders for each other.
4. Set Realistic Goals
Setting small, achievable goals helped me stay focused and motivated. Whether it was committing to a month of sobriety, learning a new skill, or simply making it through a tough day without resorting to old habits, each small victory built my confidence and resilience. Celebrate these milestones—they are proof of your strength and progress. I usually ask clients to compile a list of at least ten self-care resources that lift their spirits, even if only for a short time. When I was drinking, I considered alcohol as my reward, as my ‘pleasure’, - my ticket to being able to finally relax, shake off the shoes, and exhale. It’s such a fallacy, though—alcohol is a depressant, and all it did was steal my joy.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Perhaps the most important lesson I learned was the power of self-compassion. In the past, I was my harshest critic, always beating myself up for perceived failures. But being resilient means we have to trust ourselves, and that almost always means being kind to ourselves too. It’s about understanding that setbacks are part of the journey and that each stumble is an opportunity to learn and grow. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend.
6. Ask for Help
There is no shame in seeking help. Depending on the type of person you are, asking for help may feel like a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength, and the more you ask, the more you inspire others to ask too. And don’t forget, when you ask for help, that allows the ‘giver’ to experience the benefits of kindness. Studies have shown that being kind to others gives you, the giver, even more satisfaction than the recipient. It’s a win-win. Have a listen to the Alcohol Free Life podcast I did recently with Dr David Hamilton, he is king of ‘researching kindness’. Seek out the tools that give you strategies to manage emotions and build resilience. I’ve trained in EFT, Matrix Reimprinting, and Family Constellations—all amazing therapeutic techniques for emotional healing.
Quitting alcohol was the catalyst for profound change in my life. It opened the door to a more balanced, present, and resilient version of myself. If you are sober curious or striving to improve your mental health, I have to be honest and tell you that life isnt all bunnies and rainbows once you quit the booze. The path can be challenging but immensely rewarding. Embrace each step, lean on your support network, and believe in your ability to transform.
When things feel unimaginably tough. Breathe. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and renowned psychiatrist, said:
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
Resilience is not about never falling or being able to avoid the unfathomable sadness and grief that sometimes befalls us, but it’s about rising stronger each time.
Its early days for me writing this substack, I’m still finding my feet, so bear with me! Please let me know what you’d appreciate, especially for paid subscribers.
This is a great read. I quit drinking a year last October, and I have definitely found movement helps as you suggest. Swimming, ecstatic dance, yoga. I get bored so easily, I think that's my current hurdle, and I find parties really intimidating sober. I'll give the podcast a listen